What No One Tells Women of Color About Surviving Holiday Family Questions During Fertility Struggles
"When are you gonna stop that fancy job and bring me some kids?"
If you're a woman of color dealing with infertility, the holidays can feel like walking through a minefield of well-meaning but painful questions. For Black women, Asian women, Latina women, and Indigenous women facing fertility challenges, the pressure often runs deeper than what other families experience—tied to cultural expectations, generational dreams, and harmful stereotypes about women of color's bodies.
I know this personally. During my fertility journey with four rounds of IVF, fibroids, and endometriosis, I faced everything from being questioned about my weight (thanks, fertility medications) to getting side-eyed for prioritizing my career. Even after having my rainbow baby at 40, people kept asking when I was having another.
You can never win with some folks.
Why Holiday Fertility Stress Hits Different for Women of Color
Family gatherings during the holidays aren't just about food and presents for families of color—they're about continuing legacies, carrying on traditions, and meeting expectations passed down for generations. When you're quietly struggling with infertility, these celebrations can feel more like interrogations.
Women of color facing fertility issues navigate unique pressures:
Cultural expectations where marriage and motherhood define womanhood
Harmful fertility myths that women of color are "naturally fertile"
Family dynamics where infertility and reproductive health aren't openly discussed
The weight of carrying on family traditions, names, and bloodlines
Religious beliefs that can complicate fertility treatment decisions
Dr. Anna Flores Locke, a Latina mental health counselor who specializes in infertility and has dealt with fertility challenges herself, understands this intimately. "Family is so central to our culture, and there's a lot of love in that, but it can also mean that family gatherings trigger painful emotions when you're facing infertility."
The Emotional Reality Behind the Smile
"Social gatherings often mean putting on a strong, cheerful face while feeling a deep vulnerability inside," Dr. Flores Locke explains. "The preparation for these gatherings might involve bracing yourself emotionally, anticipating certain topics, and developing responses to protect yourself. At the same time, there's a strong desire to feel happy and celebrate with family, which can create a sense of inner conflict—wanting to fully embrace the season but not being able to escape the reminders of this deeply personal journey."
For Black and Latina women, there's an added layer. We're often expected to be strong, to handle everything, to not show weakness. Admitting you're struggling with something as fundamental as getting pregnant can feel like failing at being a woman in your community.
The emotional toll is real:
Anxiety leading up to family events
Feeling isolated when everyone else seems to have kids easily
Shame about needing medical help to conceive
Guilt about potentially disappointing family expectations
Exhaustion from pretending everything is fine
The Myths That Make It Worse
Black and Latina women face unique challenges during fertility struggles, partly because of persistent myths:
"Black women get pregnant too easily" - This hyperfertility stereotype ignores that Black women actually face higher rates of infertility, often due to conditions like fibroids and endometriosis that disproportionately affect us.
"Just relax and it will happen" - While stress management matters, this dismisses real medical conditions and places blame on women for not being "chill" enough.
"God's will" - While faith is important to many families, this can shut down conversations about medical treatment and make women feel guilty for seeking help.
"Career women wait too long" - This ignores that many women of color face economic pressures that delay family planning, and that fertility issues can happen at any age.
Practical Strategies That Actually Work
Before the Gathering
Set boundaries in advance. Let close family members know you're dealing with something personal and ask them to help redirect conversations if needed.
Prepare responses. Practice simple answers like "We're working on it" or "When we have news, you'll know."
Bring backup. Having a partner, friend, or ally who knows your situation can provide emotional support and help change subjects.
During Family Events
Focus on what you can control. "Holidays are about connection, not just family milestones. I try to focus on what I enjoy, like cooking, dancing, or laughing with my loved ones," Dr. Flores Locke recommends.
Give yourself permission to step away. Take breaks, go for walks, or leave early if you need to protect your emotional space.
Redirect conversations. Ask relatives about their own lives, current events, or shared memories to shift focus away from your reproductive status.
Protecting Your Mental Health
Acknowledge the grief. It's normal to feel sad during family celebrations when your fertility journey isn't going as planned. Allow yourself to feel these emotions instead of forcing positivity.
Connect with others who understand. This might mean online communities, support groups, or friends going through similar experiences.
Practice self-compassion. Remember that the majority of pressure you feel is external—from society, family members who don't know better, or people whose opinions ultimately don't matter.
When Faith and Medicine Intersect
For many Black and Latino families, religious faith plays a central role in decision-making. This can create complex feelings when fertility treatments are involved.
Dr. Flores Locke notes that some families may suggest leaving everything "in God's hands," but she encourages a broader perspective: "God also gave you resources and people. Reframe the conversation. Ask them, 'How can you be of support?'"
That support might look like:
Meals during treatment cycles
Rides to medical appointments
Simply checking in without asking for updates
Respecting your privacy about treatment decisions
Building Your Own Support Network
If your immediate family doesn't provide the understanding you need, it's okay to seek support elsewhere:
Look for fertility support groups specifically for women of color
Connect with online communities that understand cultural pressures
Consider therapy with someone who understands both fertility and cultural dynamics
Find healthcare providers who respect your cultural background
Remember: Your Timeline is Valid
Dr. Flores Locke emphasizes that coping is about "taking it one moment at a time" and recognizing that your path is uniquely yours—not about living up to someone else's timeline or expectations.
Your worth as a woman isn't defined by your ability to have children or how quickly it happens. Your value in your family and community exists regardless of your reproductive status.
Moving Forward with Grace
The holidays can be challenging when you're navigating fertility as a Black or Latina woman, but you don't have to suffer in silence. Set boundaries that protect your peace, connect with people who truly support you, and remember that your journey is valid exactly as it is.
As Dr. Flores Locke puts it: "Taking care of yourself isn't selfish—it's necessary. You deserve compassion, especially from yourself."
For more support navigating fertility as a person of color, including expert guidance and community connection, visit Oshun Griot.