Who Would Ever Choose to Be a Single Mom?": One Black Woman's Journey to Motherhood on Her Own Terms

“I figured at the end of my life, I would be really devastated if I didn't have kids. I would not be devastated if I didn't have a partner or a husband again."

After her divorce, Jamela faced a reality many Black women know too well: the traditional path to motherhood - marriage first, then kids - might not happen on the timeline she wanted. At 37, she made a decision that challenged everything her community expected: she would become a single mother by choice.

This is her story of IVF, social media advocacy, and redefining what Black motherhood can look like.

When the Traditional Path Doesn't Work Out

"I had always wanted to get married and have kids. I just never questioned if that was going to be a part of my life," Jamela explains. When her marriage ended, she confronted a possibility she'd never considered: "When I got a divorce, the fact that like that was taken away from me, or that that wouldn't be an option for me. It just really was more devastating than maybe, like the end of the marriage itself."

After taking time to process her divorce and reflect deeply, Jamela reached a powerful realization about her priorities. She was in her late thirties and understood that fertility becomes more challenging with age, so the decision couldn't wait.

Challenging Black Community Expectations About Single Motherhood

For Black women, choosing single motherhood carries particular cultural weight.

"It's not something that is commonly done, and if it is, you usually have to be wealthy, and you're certainly not Black. Who would ever choose to be a single mother?" Jamela reflects.

"In the Black community, conversations around single-parent households-especially those led by single mothers-are often linked to struggle. There's a perception that the rise in crime rates is due to the father not being in the home. This ties back to historical narratives about welfare and its origins. We often hear phrases like 'no womb, no wedding, no womb.'"

Despite these cultural messages, it was actually Jamela's mother who first planted the seed, half-jokingly suggesting: "Girl, you could just go to sperm back." Though initially shocked, Jamela began considering it seriously.

Finding Community in Unexpected Places

Social media became Jamela's lifeline to discovering she wasn't alone in this journey.

"It was social media that let me know that there are other women that are out there," she says. She found Facebook groups specifically for "single mothers by choice" or "choice moms," including communities for Black women like "Mocha SMCs" (Single Moms by Choice) and "Melanated Motherhood." These online spaces provided both practical advice and emotional support from women navigating similar paths.

She decided to document her journey on TikTok and Instagram, partly as advocacy and partly to challenge stereotypes. "I'm an educated woman with a great career, and I'm fully embracing this journey. I wanted to change the perception of what motherhood can look like. By sharing my experience on social media, I hoped to broaden the reference points for motherhood and emphasize that it is my right to choose to be a mother. It's a decision I am truly proud of."

When IVF Doesn't Go According to Plan

Initially, Jamela planned to document her "victory lap" - her successful pregnancy through IVF. But fertility treatments rarely follow the expected timeline.

Her IVF experience took far longer than anticipated. After multiple unsuccessful cycles, including transfers where her body wasn't receptive to embryos, she had to work with an immunologist, take blood thinners, and receive IV infusions to calm her immune system.

Instead of the quick success story she'd planned to share, she found herself documenting the real, messy, complicated journey through her "Choosing Motherhood" series - doctor visits, waiting for results, choosing donors, and dealing with setbacks.

The Strategic Career Move That Changed Everything

As treatment costs mounted, Jamela made a calculated decision. Learning that her brother's employer, Microsoft, offered comprehensive fertility coverage, she targeted her job search exclusively at that company.

"If your employer covers it, your approach to IVF feels a lot different," she explains. With her new insurance, she could afford additional egg retrievals, increasing her viable embryos from just one to seven or eight. "What I would recommend is for anyone who's considering this path is to make sure your career or at least your employer will pay for IVF, and you have good insurance."

Addressing the Critics and Misconceptions

Jamela recognizes that her decision challenges some people's worldview, especially men who might see choosing single motherhood as anti-male.

"It doesn't have to be a single mother and struggle. It doesn't have to be any of those things... I had a very peaceful and exciting pregnancy... I felt loved and cared for, even though it wasn't like a partner."

Through her social media presence, she's connected with many women who see themselves in her story or wish they'd made similar choices earlier. "The number of times women…who are what they consider to be past their maternal age or ability to be a mother age, they will say, 'I wish I could have had the courage to do what it is you're doing.'"

Expanding What Motherhood Can Look Like

For Jamela, sharing her journey is about more than personal documentation - it's about changing perceptions of what's possible.

"This decision is nothing to be ashamed of. It's something to be celebrated," she says. "It's completely changed my life."

She challenges the assumption that there's only one right way to build a family: "If Black people aren't a monolith, then our journeys can't be either." That includes fertility journeys - whether they start in a clinic, through prayer, reflection, or traditional dating.

"In your sharing...it invites people to really challenge and ask themselves the limitations that they put on themselves, and also the judgment that they place on other people. It's just... it's a beautiful thing."

The Reality of Single Motherhood by Choice Today

Today, Jamela is the proud mother of twin girls. While her path wasn't conventional, she has no regrets about her decision.

Her story represents an evolving definition of family that prioritizes intentionality over tradition. She made choices aligned with her deepest desires, regardless of social expectations.

As platforms like TikTok face uncertain futures, Jamela plans to continue sharing her story on YouTube and Instagram, determined to keep building community and challenging preconceptions about motherhood, choice, and what it means to be a Black woman creating her own definition of family.

What This Means for Other Black Women

Jamela's story highlights several important realities for Black women considering single motherhood by choice:

Financial planning is crucial. Having employer-sponsored fertility coverage made a significant difference in her treatment options and stress levels.

Community support exists, even if it's not obvious. Online communities can provide the understanding and practical advice that immediate family might not offer.

Your timeline doesn't have to match societal expectations. Waiting for the "perfect" partner or situation might mean missing your window for biological motherhood.

There's no single path to family. Whether through marriage, partnership, single parenthood by choice, or other arrangements, what matters is intentionality and preparation.

The Bigger Picture

Jamela's journey reflects broader changes in how families are formed, particularly among educated women who have the resources to make these choices. Her story challenges assumptions about single Black mothers and demonstrates that choosing single parenthood can be an empowered decision rather than a circumstance.

For Black women watching from the sidelines, wondering about their own fertility timelines, or feeling pressure to choose between career success and motherhood, Jamela's story offers a different model: one where women define success on their own terms and create the families they want, regardless of traditional expectations.

The path isn't always smooth, and it requires significant resources and planning, but it's a legitimate choice that more Black women are making - and talking about - than ever before.

For support and community as you navigate your own fertility journey and family-building decisions, visit Oshun Griot.